Listening to Nouvelle Vague & Eloisia’s delightful bossa nova cover of “Just Can’t Get Enough” (2004) as I write this, it is a joyous thing to reflect upon the raft of mutual adventures DHFCW and the Pepper Army have embarked upon, since the previous instalment of this column.  We shall not dwell upon the technical outcome of the Pepper Armada’s invasion of Billericay.  Life is too short and you’ve souvlaki to eat, so instead, let us reminisce what happened around that pitch, and others along the way.

We are deep into dark December now, so the fading, bittersweet sunlight of the early November rout of Eastbourne United felt like the book-end to a very spicy summer.  That day was an absolute treat.  And, not just for the six goals that were smashed in.  Ceylon’s thunderous brace will go down in history.  We just could not get enough!  And funnily enough, neither could our General.  With two goals chalked-up already, and having bagged a very long-range pinger for her second (a style of goal of which we are all very fond), minutes later Ceylon found herself driving forward on the ball, in a similar position.  It was (I believe) one of ‘The Champion Hillbillies’ on the left flank of the Pepper Army who shouted “SHOOT!!!”.  Sadly, no hattrick ensued.  In the clubhouse later, Ceylon revealed that particular exclamation caused her to burst out laughing, right as she pulled the trigger!

Talking of unexpected comedy, our dear Women’s Matchday Programme Editor, Mr. Dave Rogers, wore several hats during this Eastbourne game – namely, manning the stadium’s tannoy.  Despite the objective on-field truths of Hamlet player substitutions, during one such occurrence, Dave announced the complete opposite of who had just subbed On/Off.  And, with the mic still very hot, he immediately bared his soul to the entire crowd, stating “Oh I’ve got them the wrong way round!”  Cue, within moments, the Toilets Opposite stand erupting into a chant of “He’ll announce what he wants, he’ll announce what he wants! / Dave Rogers, he’ll announce what he wants!”  We mere mortals can only dream of living life as freely as this announcer.

Smash cut to the home-game party of the season, the FA Cup 1st Round triumph over London Bees.  A lot has happened since that day, but I am personally still buzzing from it.  So many positives to take – one being the sheer volume, in every sense of the word, of the Pepper Army.  We had so many wonderful people join our ranks that day.  Every one of which pitched into the euphoric Livorno chant that was continuous for the final ten minutes of the match, to carry the team over the line.  Iconic moments in DHFCW history, #287.  (Incidentally, at last night’s DHFC Forum, I chatted with Hak about this, since he eagerly watched this triumph from the midst of the Pepper Army.  He guessed right that I could not physically speak, the next day.  I did not tell him that my vocal malaise may also have been in part due to a tour of East Dulwich pubs with DHFCW’s management, coaches, and some of the squad, until that midnight…)

Do you know what also never gets old?  Beating Millwall.  Everyone’s day is made immeasurably better, when that happens.  Must be said, that victory was thoroughly elevated by the nice’n’cheap bottles of Stella Artois available at Fisher’s ground.  Upon reflection, that was the beverage equivalent of that ‘domino effect’ meme, where the first, tiny domino is labelled “Playing all of our empties like stupid pan-flutes every time the Millwall keeper takes a touch”, and the final, gigantic domino is labelled “The Rabble ordering forty kazoos and a wooden slide whistle off eBay during the game, ready for the FA Cup 2nd Round”…

Mark it read – Sunday, 26th November 2023: the Pepper Armada’s greatest ever away-day contingent (so far).  It was a privilege to take over Billericay’s ground and clubhouse alongside everyone who travelled.  We missed big Pepper Army personnel who could not attend that magical outing.  But as we said to the players after the final whistle, they, and everyone associated with DHFCW, should be proud of themselves for the events of that day, and everything they achieved upon the winding path that preceded it.  

From the *cough* mysterious ultras who lit and held aloft pink and blue flares by the side of the road as the team coach departed Champion Hill that morning, to the flood of Hamlet scarves that swept through Liverpool Street train station, to the banners and flags and pepper necklaces that were dished out on the train, to the TWO BOXES OF KAZOOS that were busted out at the pub, the day was loud.  Oh so loud.  This was in direct and stark contrast to the dictatorial silence and joyless atmosphere that the Billericay ‘authorities’ (sic) envisioned, with their 11th-hour ban upon “drums and vuvuzelas”.  (The Barbra Streisand Effect, anyone?  Not sure that she ever purchased a house in Essex, though.)  

Proper match reports can be read elsewhere.  Suffice it to say that we watched our team try their utmost for the solid ninety plus change, and we could not be prouder of them.  (Despite the greasy tricks that were openly pulled by the opposition and their charlatan staff, in full, unashamed view.)  When Brit coolly slotted away her penalty, we collectively went out of our heads, and when I close my eyes I am still in bouncing around that terrace.  Though, I cannot shake the imagery of Erin bawling her eyes out when the team bravely came over to high-five and hug the fans at full time.  But, maybe it had something to do with the hand that she broke during the game and did not notice for days after.  Milwaukee’s ‘ardest.  You best be glad that she is on our side.  (She will have her vengeance against Billericay.  In this cup, or the next.)

Last weekend’s Sutton-thrashing adventure was a joy to behold.  Though, very understandably, our Armada of the prior Sunday was reduced to a mere Pepper Flotilla.  Happily, the constant rain did nothing to dampen the spicy football.  It was fantastic to celebrate with Angel when she netted her first Hamlet goal.  And we were so happy for Lily, when we watched her bag a brace on her birthday (including one of her own trademark long-range worldies), before the entire squad yeeted her into the air for birthday bumps, after full time.

Talking of long, this week’s Pepper Army column has covered a lot of treasured DHFCW memories, and it has left even more out.  If Dave’s match-day program arrangement is anything like his game-day announcing, he’ll edit what he wants!

Harry